By Peter Currier

Illustration by Jenny Jung.

So as it would seem, we have an impending apocalypse scheduled quite soon — are YOU ready for it? Of course not, you naïve little children, because “it probably won’t happen” or “there isn’t enough evidence to support these claims,” or my favorite, “who are you? Get out of my house, why are you trying to interview me?” Well I am here to tell you why you are, in fact, stupid for thinking this.

Let’s look at the past; we have had a plethora of doomsday predictions that have failed to come true. There was Y2K, in which it was thought that our computers would all crash and send us back to the Stone Age, or 6/6/06, where the sky was supposed to open up and unleash the wrath of Satan upon humanity. Well, naturally, one’s first thoughts would be that this one will also not happen. Oh but you poor doomed people obviously don’t know, the “third time’s a charm” rule does apply to world-ending apocalyptic scenarios in which our lives are changed or ended as we know it.

“But NASA has assured us that nothing would happen,” some of you have said. Blasphemous heathens I call you! Why would we trust the word of an internationally respected highly accurate space agency who could predict the death of a star 2 million light years away a million years before it happens, when we could listen to a civilization that couldn’t even predict its own demise within a couple centuries of it happening? It’s just logic, people! Has your education amounted to nothing?

What bothers me most isn’t your lack of ability to blindly listen to sensationalist claims with little research to back them up, so much as it is the fact the movie “2012” has not been considered a legitimate prophecy. Has humanity learned nothing from the past century? Hollywood does not lie! All of their movies are absolutely accurate and are in no way, shape or form designed to entertain the easily entertained for $10 and a bag of overpriced popcorn. Let’s look at 2012’s director, Roland Emmerich. Seriously, ladies and gentlemen, look this guy up, because he should be considered the next Jesus for creating this entirely accurate  (and totally NOT over-dramatized) depiction of our coming extinction.

But really folks, you have to be ready for this. Go and spend all of your money on survival gear without even thinking of the possibility of nothing happening and simply making yourself broke. Form a group and hunker down to create a strong base for a new society. The last thing you want to happen is end up alone wandering the streets only to be found by two people on meth who think you’re a zombie and try to kill you with an ATM (this a major threat to apocalypse survivors).

All you need to do is follow everything I have said without any sort of question or second thought; that’s how most of society functions anyway so it shouldn’t be a problem. I greatly urge everyone to be safe, be smart, and panic as much as humanly possible. On that note I wish everyone a happy End of Days, or if it turns out that I am wrong and I am just a ranting crazy person with too much time on his hands and the end of the world isn’t coming, then I wish you all a Merry New Kwanzukkahmas!